Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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