Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize