Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
They took my balls.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
