So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Randomize
