I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
