thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
