i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
