He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
PANTIES FOUND
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
