You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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