Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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