Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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