If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
