My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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