My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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