Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
My hand turned me down
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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