We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
