I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
