All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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