Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
