Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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