So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
