btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
