New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
