Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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