mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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