when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
