"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
