Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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