the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
