The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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