Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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