I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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