I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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