Christians are straight up FREAKS
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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