i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
