hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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