sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize