I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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