I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize