My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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