I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
