Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
