first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
