the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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