Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
