You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You dont lie about slip and slides
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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