Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
