I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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