I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
