I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
