Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
