Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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