I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I need to sanitize my soul.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
