Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
