Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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