i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
