vagina is talking i cant
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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