you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
